my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
