It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
