Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
