just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
