Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
