I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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