mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
