im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
