Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
