u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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