why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
