Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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