I just cut my nipple shaving
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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