First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
