Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
