I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
