I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
