Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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