i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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