I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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