dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
