btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
