tell your sister to shave her snatch
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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