I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
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