I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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