just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
