I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
