dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
