He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
