so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
the day after is always just damage control
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
