hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
