The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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