I seem to have left my pride at pride
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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