just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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