the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
