he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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