just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
