dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
