I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
