eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
