i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
