I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
