It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
