literally had 100 drinks last night.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
