38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
