I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
