I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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