I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
