someone threw a dead crab at me
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
