After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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